#122

I wanted to win, Lord.

Just for a little longer.

I keep calling out to You,
but it feels as though
I'm talking to a wall,
to an empty sky,
to a—

I'm sorry.

I'm frustrated.

Over and over,
and over and over,
and over and over,

I keep praying.

But You wouldn't let me win.

I know You aren't a genie.
I can't simply wish for a miracle
and expect one to happen.

But can't You,
just this once...

I don't know.

I don't know how many times
I've wished,
and You answered.

But just this once...

Again.

Let me win.

It's so unfair.

I'm grieving.

How low must I fall
before my prayer is answered?

I'm a fucked up faithful,
a believer,
a self-proclaimed forsaken,
a renouncer.

But can't You feel my grief?

Or maybe I'm not yet
fucked up enough
for You to care.

Is that it?

Should I sink even lower?

Should I dive into the abyss
that has been enticing me
all this time?

Should I commit to sin?

Should I become...

More lost,

until You would spare
a cent or two
to come and find me?

I am grieving here, Lord.

I am hurting.

Help me.

Please.

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