AI Journey

I... I've always been fond of long walks. Long walks have always had me diving deep into my thoughts. Whether it's beneath a scorching sun, on a rainy evening, or even a lonely walk through a deserted street at night, accompanied only by flickering streetlights— I'm in love with them. Unfortunately, those deep dives also uncover the darkest corners of my mind. One of them came after I had a fit of frustration. I'm only human, before all else. I know I'm flawed. But that, too, is what makes me... me. Anyhow, at that time, I was wallowing in my anger— desperate, exhausted, and sad. I viewed myself as a tragic hero. Who doesn't? Yet, at the very end of that tragic moment, I saw a glimmer of hope. A future I, too, could dream of. I saw myself getting better. Doing better than ever before. Exacting my vengeance. Then suddenly, a driving query came: Is it still me? Like a ghost haunting me for what felt like an eternity, the question flooded my mind, again and again: ...

It may not be what you once imagined. But I am certain you are living the dream you once, with all your heart, prayed for. Yes, you are. Think about it. Think deeply. It is true. Maybe this unrest you are feeling, this lingering bitterness, comes from believing you've gone unseen by the very people whose recognition you longed for. My friend, please take this to heart: The world acknowledges you. No matter how small the step you take, or how quiet your achievements may be in this vast and endless universe, the world acknowledges you. Believe. Believe in yourself. You were never unworthy.

Today, I said no to my parents when they asked me for help. I was frustrated with them, over and over, again and again, asking the darndest of things. Why couldn't they understand? But... Was I not once like this too? Didn't I keep asking how to get two from a simple one plus one? Hadn't I asked, countless times, how to get back home after going to my friend's house— the one just next door? I... I was mad. I was furious. My mind, truly and completely exhausted, wondering whether my anger had ever been justified. They, too, got mad at me once upon a time. Yet... they still took care of me. Am I ungrateful? Did I fail them? ... I am. I did.

Maybe, in another universe— somewhere beyond our reach— all the sad songs, all the sad stories, and all the sad memories wouldn't exist. The tears that fell, the tears that were shed, the tears that slid down our cheeks— they wouldn't exist. The sobs, those desperate gasps for air, the longing for a genuine hug— they wouldn't exist. All of it— and I mean all of it— would be replaced by laughter, tears of joy, and genuine hands to hold. Elsewhere, some light-year hence, far away— maybe, in another universe.

And I was told... I should keep my distance. I was told... I have to take care of myself first. I was told... They will leave me when I am no longer of any use. I want to prove them wrong. I still believe in that one boy who refused to grow different. I still want to believe... that there is still kindness. So... why am I doubting now? Was I wrong to choose? Was I wrong to believe? I still want to— I still...

Imagine... You finally made it. The whole world is watching, in admiration and in awe. Imagine it. You finally made it. You finally did it. The whole world has acknowledged your name. And there, right beside you, your ma and pa... watching proudly. They have the best view. Front-row seats for the son, for the daughter, for the little child they once held so carefully in their overprotective hands. Now... finally... finally... you've reached the dream they, too, always dreamed you would reach. In unison, like a choir— tears falling, breath catching, heads bowed in quiet admiration, and a smile they simply cannot hold back. It's all there. And you... you are standing at the center of it all. Imagine it.

I wanted to win, Lord. Just for a little longer. I keep calling out to You, but it feels as though I'm talking to a wall, to an empty sky, to a— I'm sorry. I'm frustrated. Over and over, and over and over, and over and over, I keep praying. But You wouldn't let me win. I know You aren't a genie. I can't simply wish for a miracle and expect one to happen. But can't You, just this once... I don't know. I don't know how many times I've wished, and You answered. But just this once... Again. Let me win. It's so unfair. I'm grieving. How low must I fall before my prayer is answered? I'm a fucked up faithful, a believer, a self-proclaimed forsaken, a renouncer. But can't You feel my grief? Or maybe I'm not yet fucked up enough for You to care. Is that it? Should I sink even lower? Should I dive into the abyss that has been enticing me all this time? Should I commit to sin? Should I become... More lost, until You would spare a cent or...

You love them. You don't need to lie. You can't! No! That isn't you. That bitter aftertaste you always felt— Don't tell me you don't— I know you always do. And I know you hated that aftertaste. I also know it hurts. It hurts a lot. I know. I— I also— I also know you don't want to give up. I know you don't want to give up on them. I know. I just know! And I don't think you should— I... I don't know. What even are you to them? Should that matter? Of course it does. Or maybe it doesn't. You love them, right? Right? But I can't deny you're hurting. They're hurting you. I know they're hurting. I know that's how you feel. I just know. Or maybe I don't. But remember this. I'm with you, whatever you choose. As long as you don't forget who you are. Don't you recognize me? I'm you.

Out of nowhere, the letters just stopped; the words just stopped; the unlyrical, unrhymed, unmelodious whispers of fantastical dreams— all of it... stopped. There is no dead soul to mourn, nor anyone to be bitter about. Yet what had been lost lingered. There is something to mourn. There is something to be sad about. All of this just happened out of nowhere. And a fake smile tells it all. The truth. No lies. Just the truth.

Despite all that, I kept the faith. Maybe the world, in all its entirety, was calling out to me— warning me against the leap, foretelling the emptiness that waited at the end of the path upon which I had placed all my faith. Still, I went anyway. Maybe it was bravado. Maybe it was a gut feeling. Maybe it was faith. Whatever it was, I kept going. Even against all odds, I hoped. Or perhaps it was my faith that had been warning me all along. And I— the fool who chased blindly— mistook the warning for a promise. Maybe I simply called it faith because I hoped for something better. Maybe I've gone insane. What difference is there between a madman speaking to stone, and a man of faith kneeling before a wooden cross? Perhaps... I'm neither.

I can't help but be jealous too, Lord. I can't help it if I get frustrated too, Lord. Truth is... I'm not Your toughest soldier, Your best sheep, nor am I Your most faithful devotee. I'm... Can You blame me if I speak my worries? I know I'm never worthy. Who am I, anyway? I'm tired, Lord. That's the truth. Me venting out my anger. Me being honest... It never feels pleasant afterward. But— This is my truth. I can't lie. Honestly. Sincerely. Just mind my garden of words. I'm frustrated, Lord. I'm tired. Really tired. The world's unfair. I can't, for the life of me, be unjust. And look where it has led me. Forgive me, Lord. Forgive this black-fleeced sheep. Forgive me, Lord, please... For I am a sinner, through and through. And no matter how I try... I— I am a sinner. But... I am trying. So please— Please— Forgive me, Lord. Forgive me, Lord.